That '70s Show - Best Quotes

 Everyone knows That '70s show, all those funny moments and situations. Take a look at some of the funniest quotes!

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That's because I don’t know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!
Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Kitty: No!
Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.
[Red walks in dressed in a suit and tie.]
Red: So: would you hire me?
Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world’s best father.
Hyde: So where’s Donna, man?
Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one.
Eric: She went home this morning.
Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
Eric: So let’s just say she went home a very happy woman.
[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]
Red: Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.
Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.
Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!
Eric: Uh, Dad... thanks for...
[The guys are putting in a new water heater]
Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That's right.
[Eric sees a deer.]
Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.
Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.
[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Fez: Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message.
Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
Donna: Jackie, you are so totally out of form. I can see it in your eyes.
Jackie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [runs off]
Red: We all know what you did.
Kitty: No, we don't.
Laurie: [cheering] I do!
Eric: Of course you do! You...majored in it!
[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]
Eric: What the...?
Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.
Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.
Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.
Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.
Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.
[Kelso leaves with Laurie]
Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]
Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?
[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Donna: Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.
Eric: Wait, but I thought we-
Donna: GET BENT!
Eric: Ok, I’ll do that.
Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Holy Crap! [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.
Eric: Here, take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such a... perfect couple.
Jackie: I'm cold, too.
Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
[Hyde and Fez are playing a game in the basement when Kelso barges in]
Kelso: [excited] I just saw a UFO!
Hyde: [in voice similar to Kelso's] Oh, my God! What an unbelievable coincidence. I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are!
Donna: Wait, what are you doing?
Eric: Study break?
Donna: [Shoves him off the bed] Get bent.
Eric: [on the floor] Oww. Oh, there's my underwear.
[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]
Hyde: Where's the tunes, Forman?
Fez: I learned how to speak English faster than this.
Kelso: It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.
Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
[Eric is pretending to tutor Kelso in math but is really going to be spending the weekend with Donna]
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
Donna: Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says "Woodstock"?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!
[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]
Eric: Hey.
Donna: 'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?
Eric: Well, what do you have to say to me?
Donna: Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'
Eric: I'm not wrong!
Donna: You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]
Eric: Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!
Theo: I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.
Leo: It's true, man.
Theo: I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-
Kitty: Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.
Theo: Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.
Red: Well, I'm sold.
[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]
Kelso: 72936.... aprisand?
Eric: Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.
Kelso: You just (points to phone) ...oh man me neither.
Fez: I just want her back the way she was the first night I met her. On her knees, chugging beer straight from the keg.
Big Rhonda: But Fez, I threw up twice that night.
Fez Yes. All over my heart.
Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]
[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]
Eric: Hey...leggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!
[Eric drops the waffle]
[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
Jackie: [sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah, I worked a double shift.
Jackie: Michael...
Kelso: [groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?
Jackie: Yes, you are.
Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie: Yes, we are.
Kelso: Cool. Where's Donna?
Jackie: WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]
[Eric and Donna talk about bad taste at the Forman living room]
Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Uh, Mrs Forman-
Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.
Red: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
Kitty: [snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]
Ms. Magee: Eric, I thought we agreed this isn't this the best time to discuss this.
Eric: Oh, no, I meant—
Red: Discuss what?
Fez: About how he's failing math!
Red: What?
Eric: Fez, what the hell?
Fez: I've been drinking.
Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.
[Kitty, Red and the gang catches Eric and Donna having sex on the kitchen table]
Kitty: OH MY GOD!
Donna: Oh my God!
Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!
Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!
[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]
Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—
Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Fez: Then why didn't you say that?
Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.
Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.
[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]
Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married in a week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!
[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]
Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Police: Get off the water tower!
Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!
Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm — so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle.
[Scene change]
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]
Kelso: Don't touch that! It's breast milk!
Fez: Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?
Red: [catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?
Jackie tries to hit on Donna's date, who walks away]
Jackie: [rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.
Donna: Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]
Jackie: Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!
[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]
Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.
Kitty: Really?
Red: [softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.
Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.
Red: I was talking to the tickets.

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